Our train is cancelled. We get angry – particularly if we need to be somewhere on time. Someone cuts us up in traffic and we get angry, and blast our horn to tell the other driver what we think of their abilities.

Mostly this anger goes away after a few minutes; at worst we are left feeling slightly put out, and we carry on with our day. But at the other end of the scale there is a violent rage that erupts like a volcano.

Sometimes this rage is triggered in a row over something seemingly trivial. (Road rage is one example.) A comment from a partner is a classic trigger. An innocent remark brings the house down around your ears. Sometimes physical violence ensues. Often, but not always, it is men who lash out at women. The damage this does is hard to over-estimate. Those who grow up in an atmosphere of violence frequently suffer from depression, low self esteem and a host of other emotional difficulties.

Men who are violent most often have problems with self-esteem. They cannot be wrong. Whether it is big or small, they must have their own way. It can be going out drinking, despite there being no money. It can be going to the football match – again regardless of the cost. (Money arguments are often the trigger for a violent outburst.) At the root of this kind of anger are problems with self worth. (The classic men’s worry about “size” is a shorthand way of saying this.) The need to show who’s boss is fine in a herd of apes whose survival depends on a strict hierarchy. It does not work in a relationship where two people want to live together well.

There are two ways of approaching problems with anger. One is to learn anger management techniques. Take a deep breath before saying something. Count to ten before replying. Walk away. Leave the scene. Do not use alcohol. These have a useful role to play and work by giving ways of avoiding conflict.

What they fail to do is to give an understanding of the reasons for the anger.

This is where counselling helps. It gives room to think about why we explode for no apparent reason. Counselling will ask about your childhood and about your values. We will look at your life in general, not only at your anger. It takes longer. But it helps you to grow and change, not merely manage your anger.