I went for a cycle ride recently along a route I know well. After a few miles I was getting bored but though it was probably safer to stick to my planned route. But as I was going through a junction I saw a sign to somewhere I hadn’t previously explored. The ride was fun - mostly! There were some hills I hadn’t expected and some downhill bits that had me clinging to my brakes. But I made it.

The next challenge was to locate myself. I had a name for the village but I needed to put it into context. If home is that way, then I need to head left. (I ‘m not very good at precise compass bearings. I’m much more “You turn left by that big oak tree. Carry on until you get to  the twisted willow, then go straight on ."

I conduct my therapy work in a similar way. i'm rarely interested in diagnosing which particular ego state you might be operating from. I am interested in the ebb and flow of our conversation. Which areas do you avoid talking about? Which things do you hide behind? I had one patient whom I saw. She had had a very painful and difficult childhood which led to a troubled adolescence and a traumatic early 20's and 30's. She would allude to this in our time together but never allow me to explore it with her. One day as we were passing yet another of her emotional "No Entry" signs  I commented on this. "Tell me, Michelle, where does that particular street take us? It's about the twelfth one we've passed."

"Nowhere" and she carried on talking about her wonderful husband. This time  I pushed a bit harder and again

asked what was down that particular street.

"I don't want to talk about it." was her reply.

I pushed a bit more firmly. "Michelle, I understand that you don't want to talk about this street, but if this therapy is going to help, we have to be able to go down some of these streets. Painful and scary though that is. But that way lies healing and a chance to mourn what you've lost."

Tearfully and slowly she talked about her childhood and the hurt she experienced. She was both angry at what had happened to her and furious that nobody had ever apologised to her. "It's as though nothing happened. And they all know it did. It's so unfair."

At the end of the session I asked how she was feeling. "Bleeding knackered!" she said. I took this a hopeful observation. It meant that my judgement was accurate. That she could bear to walk down this particular street so long as she knew I was also there. Our work is ongoing. Slowly Michelle's map is expanding. More streets are becoming available to her. There are still plenty of forgotten streets to encounter. But we will walk them together. And walk those roads less travelled.

Now, I don't pretend to have been a victim of people trafficking. I was not sexually abused as a child. I have never woken up in a strange bed with no idea how I got there or what happened. To claim that experience would be inauthentic. But I do know the feeling of being neglected. I know the fear of being alone and lonely. I am very familiar with my "No Entry" streets and how reluctant I've been to explore them. This is what I bring to my work as a therapist. Not only empathy but my own lived experience and, in some cases, my daily encounters with these streets and their occupants!



I hope this blog helps and might persuade that I can help you with your own Mean streets. Do get in touch if I can help you.